existentialism of the self…

too much on my mind and not enough free time to wax as philosophically as i would like…have i completely lost that ability? am i doing that right now? what the hell am i doing it for? what is it?

tonite has been one of those nites of questioning mortality, morality, and everything in between…i hate those nites. i used to love them because i had the time to disseminate all my thoughts but lately, i have no outlets.

enter my speech class. taught by someone i consider the single-most important individual in my life right now for the sake that i need more guidance than ever. he told me that this particular class brings out the flakiness in people…must be my turn. it drove me up the wall sitting in my seat while he lectured tonite about meaning and “self”…what is the nature of “self”? that there is no sense of “self” without others. then what of my “self”?

who was i before i came here? who was i before i was his student? who was i before all of this? am i anything as a result of it? will i be anything without that element of my “self” in a month?

was i ever anything to begin with..?

on the surface, generally ridiculous questions that i would normally set aside for a nite i didn’t feel so ill-equipped to wage such existential wars with my “self”. ever since i broke down and laid my faithlessness before him and essentially begged for advice without directly saying so, i’m having more trouble than ever motivating my “self”…i’m not worth it.

if the nature of self is the ultimate truth, then who am i of value to? simply, that i am not…i am of no value to anyone but my “self”, but if my “self” is of no value without others, then there is absolutely no value to my “self”.

and such debates are only allowed to go on in my own subconscious. i’m sure as hell not going to bother him with the presupposed values of my “self”…what is a student to their teacher? surely a measurement of value would be invalid in this case. a husband or wife; mother or father to a family…there is value. a friend to a stranger from the stranger’s observant “self”…there is value. a teacher to a student…there is value…never the other way around. i don’t see how such a case could be argued.

as of late, i don’t believe that i’m inherently good or hold any value to others through my “self”…and i don’t see any horizons up ahead that would suggest otherwise.

i am, in almost every sense of the word, alone…

i define irrationality…

so…moral dilemma.

last nite, i had to present my first amendment speech.  i had it all prepared and set to go, but i still wasn’t that confident about it considering i wasn’t able to dedicate the amount of time i would’ve liked to it to make it as good as i knew it could be.

i went up…presented, and it was a disaster.  none of what i had intended to say came out the way i wanted.  it was out of order, i forgot to clearly state my thesis, and it was as if i hadn’t done an outline in the first place…oh, and i forgot rule #1 about my annotated bibliography…I FORGOT TO PUT IT IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER!

i finished, asked if there were questions, and waited to get the tough questions from my teacher that he’d been doling out all nite to students…i didn’t get mine.  wow…it was really THAT bad.

sat back down and was handed my evaluation…92%.  now, any normal human being would be thrilled about getting an A on something they knew they bombed…i was even more upset.  so upset that i just tucked the papers away and went on home.

it bugged me the rest of the nite the more i looked at it, so i sent my professor an email.  i’m regretting it a bit now…not because i told him i don’t feel like i deserve the grade he gave me and that i wasn’t asked questions, but for how i wrote it…i told him once that i was born with a guilty conscience, but i might’ve stepped over the line on this one.

i’m gonna try to talk to him monday…i hope i didn’t piss him off.  just thought i’d share…

first amendment speech…

so i’ve got this speech coming up for one of my communications classes that pertains to finding an article relating to the first amendment…it can be a violation thereof or just something that i’ve found that addresses my interpretation of the first amendment.

ironically, i’m having a hell of a time putting it together. i’m all for pursuing the first amendment to its fullest, but when i sit and think about my interpretation, i have a hard time putting into words what it means to me. the “article” i chose has been giving me a problem as well because i think i got a little too personal with it.

in a nutshell, i chose abc’s 20/20 report on nicole smalkowski – an outspoken atheist from hardesty, ok – who was essentially discriminated against for her religious non-beliefs and her seemingly humble refusal to recite the lord’s prayer before a basketball game with her [public] school teammates.

my overall rationale is the school not only disobeyed a federal law restricting prayer on public school premises, but also that smalkowski’s first amendment right was violated as well as the school’s own code of conduct.

i don’t know…i’m not having any trouble actually presenting the speech, i just don’t want to piss anyone else off. then again, in the spirit of our discussions regarding public discourse and the general rule that those offended by first amendment “rights” ultimately get to change some of the rules in the book…i wish more people actually read this blog so that i could get some ideas.

maybe i should just stick to flag burning…it’s just so generic.

losing my ambition…

ever have one of those days where everything was going just fine all day and then all of a sudden, you feel about as foul as you would getting on the redline at jackson and state? i had me one of them days today…

i woke up today already feeling a bit blah because my allergies kept me up for the better part of the night, but i went about my morning without any grief. got dressed…spent $36 on gas…went to my first class. class itself seemed a bit of a waste since all we did was watch “remember the titans”. i have no objections to watching movies in class, but it just seemed like a waste of two hours.

i guess i started getting a bit sour when i realized that this “group midterm” that i have coming up next week is going to be a complete disaster since my three other group members will be either out of town, working, or complaining that they only have one day off a week. lucky you…i literally have none.

i had to sit around for about an hour and a half before i drove to a different campus for my second class that starts at 7pm. so, i went upstairs and fiddled some more with my humanitarian service project cause on facebook. consequently, the computers were being obnoxiously slow, so i gave up at 4:30pm and decided to go to the cafe for some “lunch”…in other words, a clif bar and a red bull.

now, i have no objections to interacting with people, but when i have my ipod going and i’m reading a book while stuffing my face with soy-based snack foods and excessive amounts of taurine, i more or less intended on shutting out the world around me. i had these two guys who worked in the cafe come up and start chatting with me out of nowhere. once again, any other situation and i’d be flattered and interested…but yeah.

so i leave at 5pm to fight traffic and it takes me nearly an hour…whatever, that’s expected. i’m feeling fine and dandy, almost with a bit of a spring in my step and i get in the building, sit down in the lobby, and wait. i’m only waiting an hour and it’s passing surprisingly fast. my teacher comes up the stairs, i go in the room, sit down, make a quick phone call, and talk to two of the girls in my class who i find to be pretty cool.

class starts…down goes my mood. this is a strange occurrence, especially considering that this is teacher happens to be my mentor who i look up to in every way and genuinely enjoy his classes. today’s different and i don’t know why. maybe because the entire class discussion revolved around the structure of a speech…something i already know and have known since high school, but the horse’s carcass must continue to be flogged for the sake of other students’ understanding. maybe it’s the fact that i have no common ground to stand on with anyone in the class as i’m the only communications major and when questions are asked, i don’t want to dominate the class and seem like a know it all. so i sit…and i sit…and i play with the blinds and stare at my car out the window and wish class was over…this is unusual.

then we watched a video of a student from texas tech give quite possibly the most terrible speech i’ve ever seen. my teacher goes around the room and asks each of us what grade we would give her. most gave B’s and C’s…it’s my turn…i give her an F with the opportunity to do it over again for a new grade and i rationalize my reasoning. i could almost hear everyone’s thoughts…then again, maybe i’m just paranoid. he gives her a C…i feel like an asshole. not for the “grade” i gave her, but i feel like an asshole because i’m pretty sure that’s how everyone else is addressing me in their own thoughts…

class ends, i pack my stuff, and i need to talk to my teacher about some internship stuff…but i figure, it’s not the time or place, but i don’t want to put it off until next week and it’s not something i can email him about so now i’m between a rock and a hard place. i figured i’d forget it and just picked up and walked out. the entire ride home was unpleasant and slow for no reason other than people can’t read a damn speed limit sign and decide they’d like to go 35 in a 50 mph zone…got home and there you have it.

i think it’s just a matter of everything’s finally starting to catch up with me. i’m always tired…i hardly sleep not only because i work at 4am five days a week, but i’m so wound up and freaking out about all that needs to be done that i’m not able to enjoy anything anymore. i don’t want to let myself or the people that have guided me through everything down but the candle’s been burning furiously at both ends since january and the flames have almost met in the middle.

i don’t know how much longer i can do it…